The thoughts that ran through my mind the day I learnt the one I loved is taken

Introduction

John answered and said, A man can receive nothing, except it be given him from heaven.

John 3:27

For who maketh thee to differ from another? and what hast thou that thou didst not receive? Now if thou didst receive it, why dost thou glory, as if thou hadst not received it?

1 Corinthians 4:7

Early enough I learnt a very important lesson that ‘God does not show us what He cannot give us. If He eventually does not give us what he has shown us, then it’s because He has something bigger in plan for us. These thoughts and wisdom comforts me and helps me not to be desperate over the things I’ve seen or asked for.

This article is a question all through, even where it sounds assertive still consider it as a question, which can be answered, based on your opinion. Enjoy reading!!

What men ought to do?

 Was it by believe, then I believed beyond all gambles

If it was by faith, then I had faith beyond all hesitation

Perhaps my faith lacked works. Maybe there were no matching actions to portray the state of my heart. Oh no but I did expressed my heart, my mind was communicated, no thoughts was hidden. The plans were communicated.

Perhaps, the plans were the problem. I had communicated the plans to move in phases. Was going to propose in the next two phases.   The plan was well communicated and clarified. I promised to stick to a love I had found and to remain single eyed and land us through this plan.

My actions and efforts were they complete enough. What steps did I take to establish this promise that they were seriously serious? I never got a ‘we are in it together feedback’. These were the gaps in my works and a fault to express my love but left the expectations to fate without deliberate work to actualize it.

Any faith that depends on God absolutely for the expected outcomes is dead. So what lessons have I learned? Left for me I’d prefer to focus my mind until I’m done with the phases. Just be a good brother, a good friend to everyone around. Especially, I believed one should not be involved in a suffocating relationship until it is ready to do the very needful.

Then the society around seem to believe somewhat differently. The belief is that you do not have to wait for a perfect time to get serious but you can be purposeful and can relate through to the perfect phase. But wait, when you get serious, in many times does it leave room for the best interest of the dual?  A longtime courtship or engagement which is due to the man not being ready to do the next needful would leave the lady waiting and winking other attentions. Would this not mean locking up the woman or staging her for the unreadiness of the man? Should the man fail to get the needful ready as planned or something went wrong between the two in the process of waiting, wouldn’t the lady be at loss.

Well, this is faith, to choose to take the long waiting aisle. it means mutual trust and for the lady a faith in her man’s process. To think of, finding a woman when a man is ready-can also be misleading as pretense and faking loyalty could be the case.

Every man who is ready is qualified to have the best. Every man who is in the process deserves to be given the best if the process can be committed to Faith worked out.

What the lady Ought to do?

On the other hand, a valuable relationship is preserved by maintaining the purpose or redefining it. Not in pretense or silence in their everyday updated status. The two should be able to freely update the other on the current state of things. I believe that it is the HONOR and the dignity of a lady to say yes. It is the responsibility of the man to woo her Yes.  But why the Man woo, it is the respect for the man and an affirmation of his valuablity for the lady to update him where changes in status has occurred.

Guys can be vocal, many I would marry you and hundreds of I would marry you one day comes before the very will you marry me on the proposal date.

When a guy thinks futuristic, vocalizes futuristic, expresses hope for the future of the two to be together-if the lady whose honor it is to say yes thinks that she would never ever ever say yes or she’d changed her status, no longer available or is taking,  it is her honor to respectfully let the man know that there won’t be a future together for them.

Somehow something looks like ladies like being woowed, and enjoys as many of them are coming in their direction even when they do not have the room for it. Why say thank you rather than say hey, thanks for the nice words though am no longer single, and you know we can always be friends. This would do the guy a lot of good, it will reduce the obsessions, the pictures, and the thought of love in his mind about the lady. Because loving someone who is in love with another is like pouring water on a rock. It makes love a waste of time , which is not good for Christians.

Okay, I know many guys can be persistent. Nevertheless, while a guy may not take a lady’s NO simply and easily, most guys would give way at the presentation of another guy by the lady. God has put this natural jealousy in man, which would not let them swallow it.

Conclusion

So what am I saying?

Guys, take the ultimate action, get the commitment prior to the proposal readiness. For the benefit of doubts, do not suffocate the lady, leave room for the exit if in her best interest and choosing.

The ladies, when you exist please update the guys, don’t keep enjoying companionship and pretend like you’re still with them.

An updated relationship is simply redefined to a new or stepped down in purpose, not necessarily a cost for an enmity or offenses.

There are more reasons to stick together than marriage and parting ways is never an option for brethren.

Comment your answers.

Don’t chat me on this.

Thanks!!

TIMES TO BE SINGLE AT HEART The Errors in Thinking Who to Marry

INTRODUCTION

A retrospection through the fantasy of the pre-adult phase of my life, when I’d often find myself with friends of likeminded rehearsing on who we would love to marry in the future. Sometimes we even mentioned names; funny memories they are.

More fantasy yet was in my early adulthood. I could still see myself encumbered by the thought of who to marry. I’d have a lot of mind swing. Today, I’m well pleased by Sister A. Tomorrow; I’m better pleased by sister B. The next day, I’m totally confused or indifference about it.

However, recently, a number of real-life true realities have occurred to me. Making me realize that the thought of getting married or being married is something somewhat secondary or unnecessary. The thought and encumbering of who to marry is only common to the unprepared. It is a sign of one’s unreadiness.

Where does the thought of who to marry come from?

Is it childishness? NO.

It is common with young people to have a picture of persons-kind they are pleased with. Through life, there is often a time circumstance and chances would bring such people to your circle of friends.

Besides, there are a set of wonderful qualities you’d find in close friends and you are almost thinking if this could be the one. Even though you are not ready, you think of growing with them and living the future in vision together.

Many times, people don’t make out anything from such visions. Because the future holds a lot for the living. The test of time and distance comes in to exaggerate every unreadiness and wanes the relationship.

At such point, it becomes obvious that friendship relationship does not outlive its purpose and because one is one’s destiny helper does not mean they are to be their life partner.

The errors of thinking who to marry

The thought of who to marry and its associated behaviors can be linked to many relationship problems among singles. Examples of such problems include the following;

• Many good friends have collided ending up in enmity because an unnecessary relationship was introduced. Friendship is better allowed than introducing a relationship that is not working. Yet many relationship counselors would insist that one, especially ladies are wasting their time to be in a relationship that does not have marriage as parts of its definition. There are many appluadable purposesfor relationships found in friendship than the futuristic purpose alone can conceal.
• The thought of who to marry when unready induces a form of behavior attempting to manipulate the other into one’s unreadiness and its associated indecisiveness.
• It truncates the joy of singlehood. One way it does this is by demanding unnecessary accountability and pressurizing one to give or live a false life in other to make good impressions.
• The thought of who to marry is also responsible for a common wrong paradigm about marriage mates. It is wrongly believed that people of the same range, like course mates, etc are not often good favorites for marriage feasibility. The argument is often that the man will not be ready for the lady who would be taken away by an already made man. This paradigm is not only wrong but it is very much a problem of thinking who to marry. Perfecting a friendship relationships purpose should better be the goal of persons in a relationship while keeping their hearts single. Succeeding in friendship without a hurting memory can produce wonders. The impossible and the unthought can be made out of it. This is one big error people make when they assert that people should not involve in a relationship which does not have a futuristic end. Relationships do not start with a futuristic purpose, it generates it. One of such unthinkable wonders that can be made out of a successful friendship is the marrying of mates.

Who is ready to marry?

The reality is that when one is finally ready, he often becomes more indifferent and losses interest in all the glaringness of the marrying stuff.

One is quite ready to marry when he is no longer interested. Other markers of readiness include;

• Being ready in this 21 century cannot overemphasize financial readiness. Without the appropriate finance to welcome and cater to another soul, marriage is a mere wish which everyone could have ridden if wishes were horses.
• One is ready that have succeeded in being a friend. Friendships give you chances to err and relearn. Marriage is till death do us part.
• One is ready who is matured in character, charisma and in the life course.
• One is ready who has identified Gods perfect timing and perfect plan, choice or will for him.
• A man is ready when he has discovered his purpose and his allotted territory.
• A woman is ready to marry after training herself to the entails of being a helpmeet and after asking to verify from the man-the definition of his purpose.

Keys to being single at heart

Life ought to be lived being single at heart; without thinking marriage. The primary purpose in friendship relationship should be building a network of people that will amount to net-worth.

Ones net-worth is defined as the difference of his assets from his liabilities. It is worthy of note to mention that it is very possible for one not to have money and yet have a high net-worth by the quantum of favor people owe him as a product of one’s goodwill.

This is possible by walking in love towards all men, being hospitable, and generous, serving others with your gifts. For a man who walks in love, there are no offenses (liabilities) that can be written against him for love covereth all sins. Prov 10; 12.

Besides, being single at heart requires faith in God who brings His will to pass by working in us both to will and to do his good pleasure.

The perfect will of God cannot be gotten by manipulations. If it is the will of God He will by all circumstances and chances work it out while you are busy fulfilling the purpose of your friendship relationship together.

WRAP UP

Learning to consciously avoid the errors and behaviors’ associated with thinking and acting who to marry is key to living a life of confidence and focus on the real matters of one’s life.

Do comment on your experience. Were there a time; maybe in your pre-adult phase, when you were concerned about whom it should be. Like the handsome, tall, rich and God-fearing rejoinder common with ladies?

Stay single at heart!

‘I LOVE YOU’ Can a Christian Say ‘l Love You’ to a Fellow Believer?

Introduction

Can a Christian say ‘l love you’ to a fellow believer without the fear of being misunderstood or having his motives misinterpreted?

Many of my African friends may answer yes to these but taking it further for my friends-when last did you say ‘ l love you’ to someone?

T’s a result of classical conservative approach to ministry

Many classical African churches would answer NO and assert that you only say it to your wife or fiancee. This is typical of churches who prefer to play safe in their approach to teaching by adopting a conservative demeanour. There’s a questionable sides to such classical religious line of thought especially judging from the fact that these teachings most times is not what the student Christian do outside. So rather than pretend and run in hypocrisy it’s better to divulge every concept with the truth in simplicity.

Fear of being misunderstood

Other persons may also say NO and explain ‘ l love you’ as a phrase that’s been heavily mumbled, wumbled and misused by the world. those in this school of thought decides to adopt the total abstinence approach. This is a hard attempt because we have the nature of God which is love, one cannot continue to suppress ones content, it will always want to have an expression. I would rather propose that Christians relearn what the Bible has about love, and instead of copying from the world should insist on the biblical injunction thereby salt the world on what love is.

T’s the Elements of Africanism

Many African would also say NO in the spirit of Africanism. But this is all tendencies toward the status quo, not really love for African values per say. Our world is changing- sorry it have undergone series of changes. We would do better to analyze this changes with the Truth; the WORD, in simplicity and not by sticking to what we think even at the risk of pretends.

Love Redefined

Love as a concept has been so much redefined. Some choose to approach the definition of love by splitting it into cadres; phileos, Eros, Storge, and Agape. Though I have my reservation about this approach because the Bible did not have such rendering-understandably the explanations are rooted in the Bible. The splitting should better be emphasized for the purpose of comprehension. Love is love, with all it’s component it functions as one entity. Trying to split love is like trying to split an individual into spirit, soul and body. Instead, a gold definition for love is no other but as outlined in 1Cor 13. Love conceptualized this way can be confessed, shared, and expressed to one another in the faith.

O yes! We must come out from the fear of misinterpretation. We live in a Small world; once it occurs to one, soon it will occur to all. All that is needed to address this fear is to create a state, a shared sense of understanding in one another in the what’s not and what love is. Such understandings as the following;

• ‘l love you’ is not a proposal, it does not mean am thinking futuristic of you.
• ‘I Love You’ could simply mean an expression of gratitude, pleasantries, goodwill, acceptance, value, greetings, etc to one another.
• It is also not wholly an expression of the emotions or feelings. Love is spiritual and has an emotional and physical connotation. So ‘I LOVE YOU’ rather connotes that someone had successfully connected with you spiritually; had found purpose, fellowship, comradeliness, and more with you. Though emotions cannot be completely excised but it should not be the emphasis, and love too is not complete without the physical aspect-sacrifice.
• I love you mean I understand the extent of your usefulness and significance to my life and Destiny.
• Love is not a good feelings only-it is such feelings as the journey to the cross or 1Cor13.
• Love is not infatuation, lust, physical attraction or hormonal reactions to opposite sex.
• Love is love, no more no less! You cannot say I love you with brotherly love (phileos) for instance. Trying to explain or tag your love expression would only bring more confusion-leave it simple: ‘I LOVE YOU’
• Every one desires to be loved, no one would be offended when you say ‘I love you’. Rather it is the fulfilment of the gospel-love your neighbors as you love your self: hereby is all the law fulfilled (Gal5:14; Roms 13:10). ‘I love you’ would be a very effective way to exercise Eph 4:29:

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Eph 4:29

‘I love you’ should thus be purposefully said, not given to flattering. When used in this faith it can bring peace to a troubled minds, if said to someone in pain, it can help relieve their pain, it can bring healing to the sick, it can bring edification to the weak, it can quicken one in depression, it can bring sense of value to one feeling inferior, hope to one in despair, especially depending on who is saying it, it brings the giver and the receiver to a level of spiritual, emotional and physical pal.

• ‘I love you’ is an antidote that should be shared without reservation, good for the goose and gander. It’s expression should be shared from the grassroots; from the grandparents to the parents to the siblings to the friends to the partners to the strangers and to all.

Last Words

‘I love you’ should not be controversial, it is necessary to be informed about the level of understanding and sense of reasoning between the two parties and to first build a mutual understanding on the what’s and what’s not of love. If you want to experiment it, you could start by saying it to parents and siblings and you would see how it feels and be more comfortable when you say it outside.

Say I Love you to someone today!

WHEN MEN QUIT

What makes men quit?

T’s not the firm resistance in a ladies disposition

T’s not the yes in the NO of a lady

T’s not her un-reciprocal disposition

T’s not her lack of understanding nor her weird disposition

T’s not her (flimsy) excuses

MEN quit on a lady

When the lady presents another MAN

When the lady responds with an insult

Insults from ladies to men leave a deep wound that could touch the marrows.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29

While a Lady holds back her consent, many men would still persist and simultaneously searching for an alternative. Men could quit if they’ve found a Worthy replacement.

Women and Silence

It is the honor of a woman in her integrity to be given every explanation until she is cleared, certified and willing to admit so…

Ede S.S.

It is in the integrity of a woman to give her consent or dissent.

Introduction

There is a class in women; while some are very expensive, others are not.
Their cost may not be socioeconomic or value wise but most importantly dependent on their goals, expectations and the person of the man in question.

Instances will help but to avoid going biased; when a man chooses to go for the woman who is in the class of the fishes that are retained in the bottom of the river bed when the bait/feed is being cast and others are afloat to catch, that man having winked at those who rushes for the bait from the background sounds even before it is cast; such man must be ready to duck the shields of the woman, the man must be ready to know that;
It is the honor of a lady in her integrity to be given every explanation until she is certified, clear and willing to admit so.

And so I will take on one of the shields of women which is silence.

The instance on Shield of Questioning

There are a number of shield women wield; shield of questioning, for example, that moment when you finish blabbing to a lady and she is like ‘I don’t understand or what do you mean?… Is an antic to hide from giving her stance(detail here).

The Shield of Silence.

Silence is a very sensitive shield, especially when properly wielded by women. When misused, silence can kill a relationship. But a man who loves his relationship must be skilled in handling women’s silence while avoiding the error of assumption.

Silence Defined

English is full of overlapping words, but for the purposes of this article, regard silence as a retreat from words, the refusal to speak up one’s position in a matter.

Silence is the ocean of the unsaid, the unspeakable, the repressed, the erased, the unheard. Is an ocean, very wide. Every reasoning you put up to describe it is an assumption and assumption is the lowest level of knowledge.

Various Ways Ladies Wield Silence

• Silence Treat: When one gives a long-standing silence as a response to a crucial and sometimes pressing inquiry. Mostly seen in the expensive women end.
• Silent Assumptions: these are serious assumptions especially in the side of the ladies. It manifests when a man continues to act in a way that instills intimacy in the lady. For instance, an undefined closeness or when a man takes a lady for a ride in an opportunistic way. By exploiting her womanhood and toiling with her feelings. A silent assumption is taking place in this scenario when such ladies behave to the extent of assuming a futuristic purpose for the relationship even with it not being outrightly spoken by the man. This scenario is common in the nonexpensive women end.

Now should ladies always respond in silence- NO!

Ladies misuse silence when they leave a guy deadlocked in a silence treat open-ended. That silence is golden is an old saying that needs to be aborted, as our world keeps evolving. My advice to ladies is to be positive in their use of silence or avoid it. Explaining your positions to a guy will save him from the error of gross assumptions that is unhealthy. Giving your consent or dissent will save your life from complications and liberate you from manipulating others with indecisiveness (Beuderah).

Men also give silence treatment

Consider this life story;

A͎ m͎a͎n͎ f͎o͎u͎n͎d͎ h͎i͎s͎ w͎i͎f͎e͎ w͎i͎t͎h͎ a͎n͎o͎t͎h͎e͎r͎ m͎a͎n͎ i͎n͎ h͎i͎s͎ b͎e͎d͎r͎o͎o͎m͎. I͎n͎s͎t͎e͎a͎d͎ o͎f͎ a͎t͎t͎a͎c͎k͎i͎n͎g͎ t͎h͎e͎ m͎a͎n͎ o͎r͎ r͎a͎i͎s͎i͎n͎g͎ a͎n͎ a͎l͎a͎r͎m͎ h͎e͎ j͎u͎s͎t͎ k͎e͎p͎t͎ q͎u͎i͎e͎t͎,w͎e͎n͎t͎ b͎a͎c͎k͎ t͎o͎ t͎h͎e͎ s͎i͎t͎t͎i͎n͎g͎ r͎o͎o͎m͎, s͎w͎i͎t͎c͎h͎e͎d͎ o͎n͎ t͎h͎e͎ T͎V͎ a͎n͎d͎ s͎t͎a͎r͎t͎e͎d͎ w͎a͎t͎c͎h͎i͎n͎g͎ s͎o͎m͎e͎ g͎o͎s͎p͎e͎l͎ v͎i͎d͎e͎o͎s͎. T͎h͎e͎ w͎i͎f͎e͎ a͎n͎d͎ t͎h͎e͎ m͎a͎n͎ w͎e͎r͎e͎ i͎n͎ p͎a͎n͎i͎c͎. T͎h͎e͎ m͎a͎n͎ d͎r͎e͎s͎s͎e͎d͎ u͎p͎ a͎n͎d͎ c͎a͎m͎e͎ b͎y͎ t͎h͎e͎ s͎i͎t͎t͎i͎n͎g͎ r͎o͎o͎m͎ t͎h͎e͎n͎ s͎a͎i͎d͎ “S͎i͎r͎, l͎’m͎ s͎o͎r͎r͎y͎ f͎o͎r͎ s͎l͎e͎e͎p͎i͎n͎g͎ w͎i͎t͎h͎ y͎o͎u͎r͎ w͎i͎f͎e͎” H͎u͎s͎b͎a͎n͎d͎ r͎e͎p͎l͎i͎e͎d͎ “I͎t͎ h͎a͎p͎p͎e͎n͎s͎, y͎o͎u͎ c͎a͎n͎ g͎o͎”. T͎h͎e͎ m͎a͎n͎ l͎e͎f͎t͎ s͎h͎i͎v͎e͎r͎i͎n͎g͎. T͎h͎e͎ w͎i͎f͎e͎ n͎e͎v͎e͎r͎ c͎a͎m͎e͎ o͎u͎t͎ f͎r͎o͎m͎ t͎h͎e͎ b͎e͎d͎r͎o͎o͎m͎ t͎i͎l͎l͎ i͎t͎ w͎a͎s͎ t͎i͎m͎e͎ t͎o͎ s͎l͎e͎e͎p͎. T͎h͎e͎ h͎u͎s͎b͎a͎n͎d͎ s͎w͎i͎t͎c͎h͎e͎d͎ o͎f͎f͎ t͎h͎e͎ T͎V͎ a͎n͎d͎ w͎e͎n͎t͎ t͎o͎ s͎l͎e͎e͎p͎ o͎n͎ s͎a͎m͎e͎ b͎e͎d͎ t͎h͎e͎ a͎c͎t͎i͎o͎n͎ t͎o͎o͎k͎ p͎l͎a͎c͎e͎. H͎e͎ f͎o͎u͎n͎d͎ h͎i͎s͎ w͎i͎f͎e͎ s͎i͎t͎t͎i͎n͎g͎ o͎n͎ t͎h͎e͎ f͎l͎o͎o͎r͎ c͎r͎y͎i͎n͎g͎. T͎h͎e͎ h͎u͎s͎b͎a͎n͎d͎ n͎e͎v͎e͎r͎ s͎a͎i͎d͎ a͎n͎y͎t͎h͎i͎n͎g͎ o͎r͎ e͎v͎e͎n͎ a͎s͎k͎e͎d͎ h͎e͎r͎ a͎n͎y͎t͎h͎i͎n͎g͎. H͎e͎ j͎u͎s͎t͎ s͎l͎e͎p͎t͎ o͎n͎ h͎i͎s͎ b͎e͎d͎ a͎n͎d͎ c͎o͎v͎e͎r͎e͎d͎ h͎i͎m͎s͎e͎l͎f͎. I͎n͎ t͎h͎e͎ m͎o͎r͎n͎i͎n͎g͎ o͎n͎ w͎a͎k͎i͎n͎g͎ u͎p͎, h͎e͎ f͎o͎u͎n͎d͎ h͎i͎s͎ w͎i͎f͎e͎ d͎e͎a͎d͎. S͎h͎e͎ h͎a͎d͎ c͎o͎m͎m͎i͎t͎t͎e͎d͎ s͎u͎i͎c͎i͎d͎e͎ i͎n͎ t͎h͎e͎ m͎i͎d͎d͎l͎e͎ o͎f͎ t͎h͎e͎ n͎i͎g͎h͎t͎ a͎s͎ h͎e͎r͎ h͎u͎s͎b͎a͎n͎d͎ w͎a͎s͎ a͎s͎l͎e͎e͎p͎. Because of her husband silence . .

Speaking Up is Way Better

I trace The origin of silence to the patriarchs and oriental societies of the 19th century. Such silence that promulgated colonialism, racism, gender, etc.

Silence and powerlessness go hand in hand – no wonder powerful men who cause revolution are furious and outspoken… furious like Martin Luther King Jn, like Mandela, like Ojukwu. Am thinking we’ve not had women like that from Africa because African women were (not so now) trained to give silence when matters are most serious.

The phobia that promulgates silence is not worth the revolution and difference that communications will make. Ladies should allow room for collaborative negotiations where necessary. And should use the shield of questioning to verify every undefined behavior while avoiding every silent assumption.

What Should Men Know

My advice for guys is to learn to handle silence.
There are lots still expected of guys in our society. Guys should spend time building a friendship. With well-deserved friendship, you could be in a position to predict the supposed response of a woman. You will be able to hack into their silence and get explanations with minimal assumptions.

Why I think guys could hack into the silence is because most times back during the friendship stages, the lady may have explained… Women talks without taking pride in it. But prides it in few situations/serious inquiries like proposing. But if you had had them talking, you can tell in their silence.

Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; BUT A MAN OF UNDERSTANDING WILL DRAW IT OUT.

Prov 20:5b.

Applying Wisdom

When negotiating, always look at the entire picture and realized that sometimes, by tackling the smaller issue, the larger ones will be affected and thus fall into place on their own. People should pass the hallmarks of friendship before proceeding to date and thereafter get to giving it a futuristic definition.

We had a situation not long ago-Where a guy met a lady and started proposing to her on the first date with claims that God told him she is his wife.

You know when people mention God or Holy Spirit in a matter, is like let everyone keep quiet and swallow it hook and sink. But its practically wrong to propose to someone on the first date, not even first month. Because you are not the only guy the girl has seen. You will not even imagine how many proposals that may have come her way.

Don’t Move Faster in Words Or Actions then You are Ready to Handle

Lastly, men should know that ladies are very vulnerable. They have feelings that are easily instilled. Even situations where they are manifesting spirituality, a woman will always be a woman. Thus, men should always define every closeness, upholding spiritual principles in relating to the opposite sex while avoiding riding on a lady whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Last Word

The shield of silence is only potent when wielded with wisdom. 1 Corinthians 14:40 Let all things be done decently and in order.

I rest my case.